Part 9

Great is typically a term I only use in conjunction with someone whose deeds amount to more than "dropped in from ceiling", but you've piqued my interest so I'll refrain from smashing you in the face right now (tempting though it may be to introduce that abnormally wide head to the business end of my over-sized novelty sword)

Um, I don't want to offend you or seem like an ingrate or anything, but I don't think I'm a goblin or a faerie. I have been wrong before, though.

Are you some kind of Royalty, perhaps some sort of ruler of goblins and faeries? I'm sorry, I must have drifted off during the previous three sentences you said and need a bit of a recap

Fool? Fool! I've killed before for less, just ask all those ants and shargas and dogs that have met their end at my hands. Well, at least one hand, the other may or may not have been in my pants at the time. It differs from situation to situation, really.

Where in the world of body thieving ant wranglers do you think you're going? I thought we were talking here. No, sure, that's cool, just take off, real impressive their pal. More like the king of being a dick

Great, not only are you a conversational escape artist, you're a close-talker. Shouldn't you be escorting people around the museum?

And off he goes again. ADD, I fucking swear. I yearn to end you

Sure I've seen entire cities sunk into the earth by giant animated suits of armor, gods crushed into orbs and had my soul plucked from my body, but what really surprises me is the incredible magic trickery of teleporting into the exact same location. Handy and impressive!

Trading information and secrets for loot is an exciting prospect. Seeing as this entire economy seems to be based around rocks, daggers, roots and human skulls, I hope his expectations are low.

And just like that he's off, Raiden-style. Let's see what else I can find around here

Jesus christ, a honest to god sewer serpent. I haven't seen one since the town wiseman told me there was a tamed one that lived in his pants and that loved to kiss

I knew that kising line was bullshit, I fucking new it. This thing tastes like ass!

A quick slash with a sword doesn't takes this guy down unlike the one that lived in the town wiesman's pants. Although this one is considerably larger, so I guess it makes sense

Is that you King Kawooha? I guess you aren't quite as powerful as you thought, what with the not mastering the "appear a second time" spell. I can hear you, so that's half way there. The easy half, just like the knowing

Holy crap it looks like a massive pile of sharga splooge. I don't know whether to fight it or trick a serving wench into thinking it's a healthy shake

Green blob bleeds green blood. Good to know.

It appears as though the top half of this things....I'll go with head.....is missing, and yet it fights on. Game glitch, or indication of the goo's scrapping prowess?

I smack it around for awhile until all of the fight has been knocked out of it and it just lays back and accepts it

Here's that fancy non-carcinogenic globe in action again, revealing what we in the Stonekeep travelling business call "a ghost wall" ie a wall that was murdered and now roams the world of the living searching to rights the wrongs. Or it's a wall that is less a wall and more a fake wall that you can walk right through, like an old-timey hologram

Crap, another level of just Ruins. But we're getting close to something epic, I can feel it in my bones. Well, bone at least.

Shits, I left my google maporb on the floor and now this tiny army of shargas wants to kill me for littering or invading their territory or killing their people or some other equally insignificant shit

Not on MY shift, gremlin!

Having successfully struck a minor wounding blow on me, the last remaining sharga smiles impudently and waits for my counter-attack

And now he's fucking dead. That new sword cuts through these ghoulies like a hot knife through babar. Time for Sherlock Drake to investigate that irregular wall-related activity going on in this precise location

Normally if I tried this I'd be knocked flat on my ass and have to look around quickly to see if there was anyone watching and if there was I'd pretend like I was doing it on purpose. Lucky for me this is a fancy fake wall, so I can just breeze through without any hassles like a rich asshole's kid breezes through life

Sweet. I walked through an incredible fusion of magic and technology and all that's waiting for me on the other side is more square hallways and a human skull. Fucks yeah

Polite but firm. This guy must be their leader. I'll kill him last. Or first, depending on when I kill him

A few dead shargas later it's time to hit up the 'ooka for some info. What's the rumpus, the low-down, the whatwhat, the dealio? Take this skull with my blessings

Picky asshole won't except a skull as a gift. I've dated women like that before

If you think you're too good for skulls, maybe you shouldn't be hanging out in a pile of ruins in the bottom of a pit.

I give him figures one stone red shiny and motormouth lets fly at a thousand words a minute. This guy is a wordsmith, a linguistic artist, a fountain of knowledge and I am awed by what I learn. Seriously? "watch out, there's danger here in this place filled with enemies?" Thanks a lot, asshole. You're worse than so-obvious-it-hurts Thera

Damn right, I'd hate to go the rest of the game without anymore pealrs of wisdom like those! What's next, "hit the enemies with you weapons"? "Try to kill them without dying yourself"?

Oh hell yeah, The inevitable sewer level! That should get everyone's lips a quivering and even the most utterly uninterested person salivating. A videogame with a sewer section, can't you almost taste it?

No more time to chat with that asshole, there's a sewer somewhere. Maybe these tube snakes will be able to help me out

I wouldn't be much of an adventurer if I couldn't handle two snakes out once. Elizabeth was just an apple delivery girl and I've seen her take two snakes, no hands!

Well well well, if it isn't the stuff of nightmares.